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altView: libby delay
**EDITORIAL NOTE: this is the first of 15 blog posts over the next month and a half that are part of a new series called altView. for an intro to the series, you can read in detail here, but in essence, these are stories of faith from the people of our community. no filters. no agendas. no prompts. just people telling their stories. hope you enjoy!**
There are three states of love. In love, out of love, and on the precipice between the two. We all have a preference, and, surprisingly, in love is not always the hands-down winner. It is too messy, too all-consuming, too much. Then again, out of love can be a little lonely, and that teetering precipice, when you’re no longer in love, but not quite out of it, exhaustingly dramatic. Each is risky. —A Strange Nervous Laughter, Bridget McNulty
I have had tons of love/relationship drama in my life. Yes, definitely with guys, but mostly with God. I’ve always been a Christian, but mostly in the same way I’ve always been white—I was born that way.
Through most of my teen angst—while I identified myself as a Christian—I was out of love with God. I was jaded, turned-off by all the hypocrisy and wickedness of the “Christians” around me, and pissed off that, while I intellectually knew God was real and what I believed was true, I wished it wasn’t. I wanted to believe something else.
God was patient with me though, because in October of my senior year, God brought me to that precipice of love, nudging me slowly to the edge. I wish I had jumped then, but I didn’t. I camped out on the precipice for four months—the four most painful months of my life. I broke up with a guy that I didn’t love, but had dated for two and a half years. I fell in love with a guy who didn’t seem to love me back. I ran away from home, almost dropped out of school and was completely betrayed and heartbroken by two of my best friends.
By March, I finally jumped suicidally into love with God, because I had nowhere else to go. Life was too painful. I didn’t care whether I was happy or whether life was fun. I just wanted for any pain that I felt to mean something.
Being in love with God is messy. It’s all-consuming. It feels, sometimes, like too much to handle. It doesn’t fix everything in your life. In fact, March was a horrible month in a lot of ways, filled with more pain than I thought I could deal with. But I also started dating my now-husband in March and I forgave my family and those two friends that summer.
I’ve seen firsthand what a waste it is to spend resources (time, money, energy) on things that don’t honor God. I regret the years I lost, but I’m working now to create a Warm Space for homeless people in Little Rock. I’m working on staying in love with God through loving his people, his earth and those he has put in my life whether they love me or not.
If you’re jaded or angry at God, realize that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference, and get right with him.
If you’re sitting on the precipice, JUMP! LOVE GOD WITHOUT ABANDON!
Thank you. Beautifully said.
Thats great Libby! Way to go.